Funniest thing I have read in a long time!!!!!!

I saw this on the Stephen Malkmus Message board and literally choked on my coffee this morning….Enjoy!!!

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.2. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.3. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.4. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris insteaddecided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.6. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd hadgathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction wasfinalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.8. Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.9. Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.10. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.11. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen,jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influenceto have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died ofroundhouse kick related deaths.12. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.13. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.14. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.15. Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a highschool football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded thereferees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and thenproceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.16. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order aretrademarked names for his left and right legs.17. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a cannedbeverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.18. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die fromcholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.19. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse… horses are hung like Chuck.